


Nothing Left For You

by napenthusiast



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Blowjobs, Bokuaka - Freeform, Boys In Love, Breakup, Character Death, Childhood Memories, Crying, Did I mention theyre in LOVE??, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Getting Together, Growing Up Together, Heartbreak, Hospital, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Making Out, Memories, Nightmares, Read if you need a good cry, SO SORRY, Sad Ending, Secrets, Shower Sex, Sick Character, Sickfic, Smut, Sorry Not Sorry, University Students, Unknown Illness, but a sad ending, cried too much writing this, happy couple, hurt and pain, was cathartic tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:54:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/napenthusiast/pseuds/napenthusiast
Summary: A story told through memories. Memories proving that love isn't always enough to save someone.---Akaashi Keiji was in way over his head.This was an unusual circumstance. Akaashi Keiji was usually quite precautious about anything and everything.He never let himself get overwhelmed, never let himself dive into things he couldn’t predict the ending to. He never flew by the seat of his pants.Everything Akaashi Keiji did was cool, calculated, thought out, and understandable.Akaashi Keiji was perfectly fine; until he met Bokuto Koutarou.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	Nothing Left For You

**‘I miss you. I’m sorry.’**

These are the words Akaashi writes over and over again on a hospital napkin with a dying pen.

He can't tell the man to his face, because that would require letting Bokuto back into his slowly dwindling life, and he can't do that to him.

So instead he writes shitty apologies on used hospital napkins and crushes them up when he runs out of room on the flimsy surface.

‘I still love you. I’m sorry.’

Akaashi misses everything about the silver-haired boy he used to spend his life with. He misses the shared secrets, the loud yelling at sports on T.V., the way he never closed any of the bottles of shampoo in the shower, the way he laughed, the way he smiled at Akaashi as if nothing could ever make him sad again.

It hurts Akaashi to know that Bokuto will never smile at him like that again. 

It hurts him, even more, to know that it's all his fault and that he could change it so quickly, but he won’t.

He keeps writing on the fucking napkin. His pen dies.

He falls into a restless sleep surrounded by countless beeping monitors and crumpled napkins.

  
  


\---

  
  


**“I adore you.”**

Akaashi snapped his eyes away from his steaming mug of coffee to see Bokuto standing in the doorway of his bedroom, clad in tight black boxers and a muscle t-shirt that probably shouldn't be classified as clothing, considering the failed attempts it made at covering Bokuto's perfectly sculpted chest.

Akaashi smiled, thanking whatever higher powers let him have mornings like this, and replied, a little snarkily, “Well, I adore you more.”

Bokutos eyes widened at the out-of-character sappy response before a slow grin came over his chiseled face.

Akaashi liked keeping him on his toes, liked the way Bokuto approached him slowly on bare feet, grin fading into something hungry, making Akaashi’s stomach churn in the most pleasant way.

He continued sipping on his coffee nonchalantly as his boyfriend’s gaze seared into him. It burned him up from the inside.

When Bokuto finally stood, strong and sure, in front of Akaashi, he eyed his black-haired lover up and down slowly, taking in the grey briefs that barely peeked out from the black oversized band t-shirt that slipped off his delicate shoulders and exposed pale collarbones.

“You're wearing my shirt,” is all that he managed to laugh out before Akaashi gave in to his desire and tugged Bokuto by his shirt collar to collide their lips together.

The silvered-haired man made a soft noise of pleasant surprise before leaning into the kiss, smiling slightly as he ran his hands through Akaashi’s hair and slid them down his lover’s back.

Akaashi could smell the woodsy deodorant Bokuto used and it made another wave of desire rush through him. Who would have known shitty Old-Spice scents could get him so riled up? 

He suspected it had a lot more to do with the fact that Bokuto was the one wearing it, but his lust-muddled mind led him to breathe the scent in again, pushing himself deeper into the kiss, licking at Bokuto's lips, hoping he would get the message.

For all that people thought Bokuto was a little dull, he was actually extremely emotionally intelligent. He got the message all right.

Akaashi let out a strangled gasp as he felt strong hands leave his back in exchange for gripping tightly at his ass and hoisted him up so he had to fling his hands over Bokuto's neck in hopes of regaining some semblance of his balance, not to mention his mind. 

Sitting there, perched in Bokuto's powerful arms, Akaashi felt so safe and comfortable.

He looked at his boyfriend’s perfect face and smiled, finding himself saying, “I could stay here for eternity,” without even realizing he spoke his thoughts out loud.

Bokutos golden eyes gleamed impossibly brighter, “God, I love you Keiji,” he quietly laughed.

“I love you so much,” Bokuto said softly as he carried Akaashi into the bedroom and gently placed him at the end of the bed.

“Fuck,” he let out as he stood to his full height, towering over Akaashi from where the raven-haired boy lounged, “I- Love- You- So- Goddam-Much,” he said as he slowly clambered on top of his boyfriend, pushing him onto his back on their soft, warm, bed, punctuating each word with a demanding kiss to Akaashi’s skin that was escaping from the too-big shirt he was wearing.

Akaashi smiled, he did so a lot that morning, which was funny, because he was anything but a morning person. But well, Bokuto brought out the best in him, even before he had all his coffee, which sat forgotten on the kitchen table, getting cold as they became hotter with every touch.

“I love you too, Koutarou.”

\---

  
  


**After their first kiss,**

Bokuto and Akaashi walked around each other on eggshells.

Bokuto because he knew he would be leaving for university the next year, and Akaashi because he knew if he let himself fall, there would be no climbing his way out of being in love with Bokuto Koutarou.

They spent more time together than not, even at school, where they never had classes together because of the age difference. Even so, Bokuto always sought out Akaashi during breaks, and Akaashi always let himself be found.

Despite the one kiss they shared together, they never talked about how they felt about each other. It was obvious enough when they walked home together and Bokuto forgot what he was saying because he got distracted by Akaashi glowing in the sunset. Or when Akaashi got a volleyball slammed into his face during a three on three game in which Bokuto chose to tie up his shirt into a crop top like he'd seen on those funny internet videos.

Their teammates knew, hell, even other teams knew that Akaashi and Bokuto were inseparable.

But time wore on and Bokuto became a high school graduate. Of course, he got a volleyball scholarship to play at Waseda University. Because there is nothing Bokuto couldn't do.

They kissed only once more after their first during the time Akaashi was in high school.

\--

The night after the third year’s graduation, Bokuto's graduation, Akaashi snuck out of his home, clambered up the fire escape that connected to Bokuto's family's apartment, and quietly knocked on Bokuto's bedroom window.

He watched as the room became bathed in dim yellow light as a lamp flicked on, and grinned to himself when he saw a large silhouette stumble toward the window.

The window protested slightly as Bokuto slid it open so he could clamber out, surprisingly graceful for someone so excitable. 

Akaashi sat at the edge of the fire escape, legs dangling over the ledge and arms wrapped around the rusty railings.

Bokuto perched himself down directly next to Akaashi, pressing their sides to flush up against each other, even though the surface was big enough for them to be six feet apart.

“I’m going to miss you,” Akaashi said in a calm matter, even though his heart felt like it was being strangled a little bit.

Bokuto smiled despite the sad meaning of the words, “I’m going to miss you too, Kaashi.”

Akaashi couldn't shove down his feelings anymore, so he turned, cradled Bokuto's head in his hands, and kissed him deeply, trying to make him know how much he would really miss him.

Bokuto kissed back immediately, matching Akaashi’s passion by running his tongue across the other man's bottom lip, pleading for access.

Akaashi opened his mouth and felt Bokuto’s hands fist into the back of his well-worn sleep shirt.

They kissed deeply for what felt like an eternity and only mere seconds all at once.

Bokuto pulled away from Akaashi to take deep breaths and they sat there with their foreheads pressed together, staring into each other's eyes and biting back the words that linger on the tip of their tongues.

Instead, Akaashi just whispered, “I’ll miss you so much,” into the night sky as he perched his head atop Bokuto's shoulder.

\---

  
  


**Akaashi finally lets himself cry.**

He unlocks the door to his apartment and falls to the floor, collapsing next to a neat row of shoes, and acutely feels his back crashing into the door as it swings shut. 

He deserves the pain, he deserves so much worse.

No pain in the world can justify the way Bokuto's face fell and how his golden eyes shattered when Akaashi told him.

When Akaashi said he was leaving, for good.

If Bokuto's smile is like sunshine, his sadness is an eternal eclipse.

The darkness encompasses Akaashi’s whole world, snuffing out the light and bathing him in the black night that he can't find a way out of.

This isn't one of Bokuto's pouty episodes that Akaashi can reason with him about until he smiles again. There is no pep talk that can reassure the silvered-haired man this time.

Akaashi can do a lot of things, but he can't mend a broken heart.

He sits on the floor of his apartment and cries, immune to the fact that his nice slacks grow more wrinkled by the hour, and how his crisp dress shirt gathers so much dust and tears it can never be worn again.

He sits with his back against the door and watches as the sun sets and then watches it climb back into the sky as it signals a new day.

Akaashi’s body is wracked with another wave of sobs as he takes in the sight of the sun and realizes he can never look into a blue sky again without thinking of Bokuto and his beloved smile.

Akaashi had previously thought that the sickness in him was the darkness that he would never be able to escape, but he suddenly realizes that the true darkness that will kill him is the loss of the sunshine he just let go.

\---

  
  


**When Akaashi was horny, he was horny.**

He wasn't like Bokuto, who could be a whirlwind of everything and anything all at once. Bokuto could be hungry, tired, and horny all at the same time.

But Akaashi had a one-track mind. When he was hungry he was hungry. When he was tired he was tired. And when he was horny, he was fucking horny goddamit.

\--

“Bokuto.”

“Yeah, Kaashi?” his boyfriend replied without looking up from his phone while he munched on a quesadilla that was filled with an ungodly amount of cheese.

“I’m horny,” Akaashi said simply, blunt as always.

Bokuto tore his face away from his phone screen and swallowed his latest bite of quesadilla without even chewing it.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” Bokuto asked with wide eyes, blunt as always, and Akaashi could see black pupils in golden pools begin to dilate.

Akaashi gave a wry grin at his lovers' antics, “I have a better idea.”

Bokuto’s head tilted to the side in confusion as he began to walk toward Akaashi, phone and quesadilla sitting forgotten on the kitchen counter.

“I’ll be the one fucking you,” Akaashi smirked out as he turned his back to Bokuto and began to lead the way into the bedroom.

He heard Bokuto’s sharp intake of breath behind him and internally high-fived himself for staying so calm and collected.

Akaashi turned his head as he reached the end of the bed, locking eyes with Bokuto who was standing in the doorway and staring at the raven-haired boy like he was ready to devour him whole.

_Too bad_ , Akaashi had thought to himself, I'll be the one devouring him tonight.

“I'm going to make you beg for it.”

Bokutos mouth fell open at Akaashi’s bold statement before he quickly attempted to collect himself into something that resembled less of a gaping fish, “Oh yeah?” he asked innocently, suave and sexy as always, “How?”

Akaashi didn't bother opening his mouth to formulate a snarky answer, instead, he lunged toward his lover, grabbed him by his soft t-shirt, and pushed him onto the bed before the silvered-haired man could register what was going on. 

They fell onto the bed together as their lips clashed and Akaashi wasted no time shoving his hands under Bokuto's shirt so he could feel the hard planes of muscle that shuddered and clenched as he ground his ass into Bokuto's crotch.

Clothes were quickly torn off and thrown haphazardly across the room.

Kisses grew even more heated as Akaashi reached into the nightstand drawer for the lube, groping at Bokuto's ass and eliciting soft groans from him as he teased his entrance.

Akaashi took his sweet time opening Bokuto up. Mostly because the golden-eyed boy didn't bottom very often and Akaashi wanted to be sure it didn't hurt. But also because the noises Bokuto made whenever he twisted his hand just so sent sparks up his entire body every time.

“Jesus... Ah. Akaashi, just ah!.. just fuck me already.”

“Tell me how bad you want it and maybe I will,” Akaashi spat out as he stared into Bokuto's eyes with a grin that could only be described as evil.

“Fffffuuuuckkk,” Bokuto whined out as Akaashi’s fingers curled against his prostate and quickly retreated, making him shift on the bed, chasing the feeling before Akaashi shoved his hips back onto the bed, “Please, Akaashi. Fuck- ah, I’m ready. Fuck! Please, I want you. Shitshitshit- ahh. Fuck Keiji, I need you, please.”

Akaashi slipped his fingers out of Bokuto and climbed on top of him so he could grab his chin tightly and point Bokuto's face towards his, “Good. Now shut the fuck up and take it.”

Bokuto’s pupils dilated even more at the blunt statement before he snapped his mouth closed and let out a low groan as he threw his head back when Akaashi, finally, slowly pushed himself in.

“Fuck Koutarou,” Akaashi hissed in pleasure, “You feel so good. Ah- fuck.”

Bokuto’s back arched away from the mattress as Akaashi began to move at a painstakingly slow pace, but he did as Akaashi ordered and stayed quiet. He bit his lip and only let out sharp gasps of pleasure when he couldn't keep his mouth closed anymore.

Akaashi planted his hands on Bokuto's broad chest, sliding his fingers around his nipples in a teasing manner as he quickened his thrusts into his lover as he felt the heat in his abdomen begin to reach its height.

“‘Kaashi,” Bokuto whispered out as he threw his head back and his eyes snapped shut at a particularly hard thrust, “Keiji… I’m gonna cum- ah.”

“I know,” Akaashi snarled out from where he towered over Bokuto, “Now do as I said and Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” he growled, punctuating each word with a sharp snap of his hips.

Bokuto, who had never been so willing to please, bit his lip again and tried to match Akaashi’s bruising thrusts by bucking his hips up off the mattress.

He quickly fell out of the rhythm they had created. Akaashi watched the sweat drip down Bokuto's taut neck as he shuddered and threw his head back in a silent scream as he came, his voice staying silent even as his body language exuded the loudest pleasure Akaashi ever saw.

The gorgeous sight sent Akaashi himself into disarray, he fell onto his elbows on the hard planes of Bokuto's heaving chest as he came, mumbling out incoherent praises about his lover.

As the pair shivered through the last of their orgasms, Akaashi leaned up to kiss Bokuto and slowly pulled out, basking in the warmth and comfort of the other’s mouth.

Akaashi tilted away from Bokuto a little, “You can talk now, you know,” he said teasingly.

Bokuto hummed happily before dragging him back down into a kiss. He mouthed along Akaashi’s jaw and nibbled on his ear before finally speaking, “I dunno what to say, Kaashi. You leave a guy speechless with a time like that.”

The raven-haired boy smirked in triumph, “Shut up Koutarou.”

Bokuto grinned mischievously before leaning close to his lover's ear, “Make me.”

The silver-haired man let out a wail that sounded suspiciously like his boyfriend’s name under the weight of a pillow that was promptly flung onto his face.

\---

  
  


**When Bokuto cried,**

It was the only time Akaashi would describe him as quiet.

Bokuto, normally so full of noise and light, was dulled and near-silent when he cried.

\--

“Bokuto, are you okay?” Akaashi asked his lover once he walked into their practically shared bedroom and saw the silver-haired boy sitting in the middle of the bed, curled up and looking so much smaller than his usual larger-than-life presence.

Blankets shifted and crinkled until Akaashi’s worried eyes were met with cold, empty ones, that only brightened a little when they stared at each other silently for a few seconds.

“Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi,” Bokuto choked out as he tried, unsuccessfully, to escape from the sheets he had tangled himself in.

Akaashi approached Bokuto before he entangled himself further, and wrapped his gangly limbs around his boyfriend before asking, “What's wrong?”

Golden eyes cast downwards to where Akaashi had intertwined his delicate fingers with Bokuto's calloused strong ones.

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Don't worry.”

Akaashi frowned at the obvious lie, “Bokuto, something is obviously troubling you. You can talk to me, I love you. I understand if you don't want to talk but really, I am always here for you.”

Bokuto's shoulders shook in Akaashi’s tight grasp as he huffed out a sentence into his lover's chest where he burrowed his face to hide his expressions, “God, Keiji, you say things like that and I fall even more in love with you than I thought possible.”

Akaashi felt the blood rush to his cheeks and was a little glad Bokuto couldn't see how happy those words made him.

“Koutarou, I love you too, so much. But seriously,” he says as he pulled at Bokuto so he could look into his lover's eyes, “you can tell me what's wrong. I will never judge you.”

“It’s stupid.”

“I don’t care.”

“Agaagshiiii! You’re supposed to say, ‘It’s not stupid! Nothing could be stupid if it’s about you! I love you times a million!’ just like those drama shows Suga likes to watch.”

Akaashi smiled at the antics and loudness Bokuto was exuding, glad that he was feeling at least good enough to joke around, “Saying that would be stupid. But if you told me what was bothering you, I can tell you if it’s stupid or not.”

Bokuto let out a long sigh, “I saw a couple today on the train as I came back from Volleyball practice,” he said simply.

Akaashi blinked, “You… saw a couple?”

Bokuto ducked back down towards Akaashi’s neck again as he whispered out, “I saw a couple standing next to each other, holding hands, and…” Akaashi felt tears begin to drop onto his shirt as Bokuto's voice dwindled into a whisper, “and… they had rings, Akaashi. And it made me think of how we can’t have that. How we can’t hold hands on the train and how we can’t wear matching rings because it’s not even legal here. It made me think of how much I love you and how much I'm not allowed to show it because we’re different.”

Akaashi felt his own eyes begin to rapidly well up with tears as the meaning of Bokutos words hit him.

“That’s not stupid,” he said simply, voice cracking a little as he pulled Bokuto closer to him, “It’s not stupid at all.”

“It's not fair,” Bokuto sobbed into Akaashi’s neck.

“I know, my love. It's not fair. It's not fair at all,” Akaashi replied quietly as he tightened his grip around Bokuto.

They sat there for the rest of the sunny afternoon hugging each other.

They sat there and let tears stream down their cheeks as they silently cursed the injustices of the world for making them hide their love.

They cursed the world because they thought hiding so much love from the world would be the hardest thing they would ever have to do.

At least that's what they both thought.

\-- 

Akaashi wishes that loving each other in secret was the hardest thing that ever happened to them, because then, at least, he would have Bokuto by his side the whole time.

  
  


\---

  
  


**Akaashi is going to die.**

The countless tests he submitted himself to in sterile rooms filled with impersonal nurses all come back with less than stellar news.

He knows the moment he sees the doctor's face as she walks in and asks Akaashi if there is anyone he knows that he would like to be here with him for support.

His thoughts are confirmed by the way the young woman's face falls in pity when Akaashi says that he doesn't have anyone to join him.

Akaashi knows the news is going to be bad, he knows he is going to die young the moment she opens her mouth and says, “I'm so sorry.”

There is no question about it. He knows the nurse he meets with after his diagnosis is trying to bolster him with talk of possibilities, but he can see in his eyes that his chances of survival are next to zero.

He will fight, of course, he would, but there is only so much fight a man can wreak upon his own body.

His mind wanders as the professional-looking man continues to tell him about trial treatments and points at pamphlets of other experimental treatments they recommend.

Akaashi is not going to tell Bokuto.

He knows this is the single most selfish thought he will ever have, but he can not tell Bokuto.

Bokuto would try to beat the sickness, even if it isn't his fight to win.

Bokuto, with his earth-shattering laughs that always wake Akaashi up and cause a sleepy smile to escape him.

His heavy, bone-crushing, hugs that lift Akaashi from the ground, and even once his feet are placed firmly back on the floor, they leave him floating.

Bokuto's smile that reminds him of sunshine, blinding Akaashi and causing him to blink stars from his eyes whenever he looks away.

He can't tell Bokuto because he can’t let the darkness that is growing inside him engulf them both.

Akaashi knows keeping this from Bokuto is wrong. He knows it is childish and almost immature. 

He knows it’s something evil.

But he also knows Bokuto, and he knows that the boy he loves will stop at nothing to save him.

Bokuto would tear himself apart to save Akaashi. It’s his fatal flaw. If Akaashi asked, Bokuto would make it happen.

But Akaashi can't ask Bokuto to help him this time. There is no saving him, and he knows Bokuto would never accept that.

Bokuto once said he would rather die than see Akaashi suffer. It was a long time ago, during a late-night conversation in college when they were both high and dipping in and out of consciousness. But Akaashi never forgot what Bokuto said because the honesty in his eyes scared him. Because Akaashi would never forgive himself if Bokuto put his beautiful vividness in harm's way for someone as dim as himself.

So Akaashi doesn't tell Bokuto, because he knows the other man would explode and destroy himself in the process of trying to save Akaashi from the darkness that has already begun to wither him away.

\---

  
  


**“I'm not in love with you anymore.”**

The biggest lie Akaashi ever told.

Bokuto's eyes widened in surprise. His eyebrows shooting up to his hairline, drawing Akaashi’s attention to the salt-and-pepper colored peaks of hair that he loved to run his hands through and feel the gel slowly lose its form as he pushed it down.

But Akaashi couldn't do that anymore. Because no matter how much it hurt to lie to Bokuto, watching him endure what was to come would be a million times worse.

Akaashi was aware of how selfish it was. To lie to Bokuto, to break his heart, to ruin what they were.

But Akaashi was selfish, and he couldn't see Bokuto crumple while he himself was wasting away so quickly.

Bokuto was so strong, and Akaashi didn't have it in him to see that strength torn away because of him.

So he did the selfish thing. He lied.

“You’re lying,” Bokuto says brokenly, tears in his eyes and anger slowly finding its way onto his face.

Akaashi sighed, making his face devoid of emotion because he knew Bokuto would see right through him if he cracked even the slightest bit, “No, Bokuto-san. We need to end this. I don't love you anymore and I can't see you again. I’m sorry.”

Bokuto just stared at him with a gaping mouth and dark eyes.

Akaashi was affronted by the dimness that his eyes procured. The golden pools that were usually so bright and shimmery held nothing but grey tears and black pupils that reflected Akaashi’s stone-cold face right back at him.

He turned his back on the only person he ever loved, the one he would never stop loving, and did not let himself look back.

\---

  
  


**When Bokuto and him fought,**

Akaashi could swear that anyone in their general vicinity was able to hear the tension that seemed to pervade every room they entered.

They didn't fight often, Bokuto being surprisingly agreeable, and Akaashi always willing to hear his silver-haired lover out before getting mad about something insensible.

But when they did fight? They were like two silent ships in the ocean, anchored and watching the hurricane that they could see on the horizon, but never running away because they always had to face even the biggest of storms head-on.

\--

“I’m going to class,” Akaashi stated coldly and impersonally after he loaded his coffee mug into the dishwasher and grabbed his book bag.

“Okay. Do you want me to walk with you?” Bokuto asked, eyes hopeful, latching onto the chance of reconciliation from their fight last night that left them with their backs turned toward the other in bed, the small foot separating them feeling larger than the grand canyon.

“No, it's okay. I have to stop by my place and grab some stuff before I go.”

Bokutos’ eager face fell immediately and he mumbled something incoherently as he turned his face away sullenly toward the window.

“What?” Akaashi snapped back, bitter about Bokuto's passive-aggressive murmurings.

Bokuto turned his head around and locked eyes with Akaashi’s, who was hovering near the doorway, “I said, if you just moved in with me, you wouldn't have to do that anymore.”

Akaashi sighs, recalling the fight once again, “I can’t move in with you Koutarou.”

“Why?”

“Because I just can’t.”

“Fuck that Keiji. You practically live here, why don't you want to live with me? Do you not love me?”

Akaashi’s eyes flash with hurt and he took a step toward Bokuto, voice rising, “Don't you dare say that. Of course, I love you.”

“How am I supposed to know that if you can't even tell me why you won’t move in with me?” Bokuto shouted in retort, matching Akaashi’s steps forward.

Only a foot apart now, Akaashi looked up into Bokuto's eyes. He really looked, gazing past the shining anger and adrenaline, catching a glimpse of true sadness and fear.

His breath caught in his throat. Bokuto was truly scared that Akaashi didn't love him as much as he had always said.

“Koutarou,” he breathed out, steeling himself so he could tell the truth, “I-I can't move in with you because… Because we aren't married.”

Bokuto's confused face was almost enough to make him laugh, but the lingering tension from the fight held it back.

“I know it's childish,” Akaashi started before Bokuto could begin to question him, “but I made a promise to myself when I was young that I wouldn't move in with someone, at least completely, until I was engaged with them. I trust you, Koutarou. And I love you more than I can say, but I can't-” his voice cracked a little and he realized he's begun to cry, “I can't break this promise. So just let me… let me keep doing whatever we have now.”

Bokutos golden eyes bore into him and he felt like he's back on the volleyball court when the crowds became silent after a particularly loud kill, listening to the blood rush in his ears and waiting for the world to start spinning again.

“Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi,” he said as he reached his hands out to cradle Akaashi’s head, stepping closer so he could hug his crying boyfriend, “Of course we can do that. God, Kaashi, I love what we have now, I love waking up to you here, I love picking you up from your place for dates, I love everything. I’m sorry I tried to push this onto you.”

“No, no. I’m sorry for not telling you the truth and just shutting down.”

“It's okay. I just wish I’d know so I didn't yell at you. But it's ok now, I’m sorry.”

Akaashi dug his head deeper into Bokuto's strong shoulders, “I… I was embarrassed. I know that's stupid, but I was embarrassed that I still feel the need to keep a childhood promise to myself.”

Akaashi felt Bokuto's chest heave up and down as he let out a breathy chuckle, “Keiji, no offense, but you date the king of embarrassing himself, you really could never out embarrass me, so just… never worry about me judging you for things like that. Just talk to me,” he said as he pulled at black hair so he could look into his lover’s eyes, “Okay? Just talk to me next time.”

He leaned forward on his toes so he could look into those golden pools of light he loves so much, “Okay,” he promised before closing his eyes and falling into Bokuto's wanting lips.

\--

Akaashi guesses he was only ever good at keeping promises he made with himself.

  
  


\---

**_Please, just stop loving me and make this easier._ **

Akaashi thinks to himself as his phone buzzes for the fifth time that day. He doesn’t have to check to know who’s trying to call him.

Akaashi has to replace his phone a week after the breakup because he starts to feel that his resolve about declining and deleting Bokutos messages will soon inevitably fail.

He does not let himself listen to the countless voicemails the other man leaves him. 

He won't let himself read the texts that keep coming in before deleting them.

He won't let himself do these things because he knows if he does, he will end up running back to the man he loves and tell him the truth.

He would beg for forgiveness and plead for Bokuto to love him through his death, and Bokuto would forgive him, would still love him, and would tell him that he would love him forever. 

Bokuto would promise Akaashi that he would never fall in love again, that he would live the rest of his life alone because Akaashi is the only one, the only one that he can love.

To others, this might sound sick, that Akaashi could assume Bokuto would say these things without even asking him, but Akaashi knows he would do this because Akaashi knows Bokuto, knows him better than anyone, or anything else in the world.

Akaashi knows Bokuto better than he knows himself. 

So he gets a new phone and doesn't let himself fall back into the warm embrace that is Bokuto Koutarou.

He only answers his phone for his doctors.

He texts Suga and Dachi sometimes, but only because he knows they won't tell Bokuto about his sickness. He made them swear on each other's lives.

He feels his body slowly deteriorating.

The weeks spent in and out of hospital rooms slowly turn into months of residing in the same, detached hospice bed that he has become familiar with.

The hopeful smiles of the nurses and encouraging words of the doctors slowly digress into indifferent eyes and prodding needles.

Akaashi listens to voice memos he saved of Bokuto telling him stories about service animals he saw on his train ride to class and smiles feebly. 

Akaashi hopes Bokuto has stopped loving him, but he knows it can't be true because Akaashi still loves Bokuto. 

Whoever said time heals wounds hasn't dealt with the wound of death that Akaashi is experiencing within the cinderblock room he shakes and sobs in. 

  
  


\---

  
  


**The first kiss Akaashi ever had was with Bokuto Koutarou.**

It was magical, cliche, terrible, and the best thing that ever happened all at once.

\--

“RUN!!” Bokuto screeched as the sky suddenly dropped rain from the heavens like it was trying to create a new ocean in the middle of Tokyo.

The rain pelted onto their backs and their shoes slowly became waterlogged from the puddles they couldn't avoid even if they had tried.

The stretch of land they usually walked after school seemed infinitely longer than usual as the sky darkened and the rain came down impossibly harder by the second.

“Bokuto-San!” Akaashi yelled ahead as he stumbled to a stop in front of his empty house, “Come inside, at least until the rain slows up.”

Bokuto turned to look at him from the few feet away he stood at the corner of the street.

“Thanks, Akaashi!” he said with a smile that Akaashi swore made the sky brighter and the rain fell a little lighter on the back of his neck.

They stumbled into the blissfully warm entrance corridor as Akaashi pulled the black and white geometrical key chain Bokuto got him for Christmas out of the lock and closed the door behind him.

The dim light from the kitchen reached the small hallway they were in, emitting a yellowish glow onto the boys that made everything seem softer somehow, like time would stop as long as they stayed there, dripping rainwater onto the tile floor and catching their breaths from their impromptu sprint.

Bokuto slung his book bag off his back and set it gently on the floor, frowning slightly as it created a little puddle where it lay in stark contrast to the shiny white tile.

Akaashi set his messenger bag next to Bokutos, smiling a little when his bag emitted its own puddle that quickly joined the other and became one, single, entity of puddleness. 

He looked up to see Bokuto staring at him. A little surprised at the shocked expression on the older boy's face, Akaashi questioned him, “Are you okay Bokuto-San?”

Bokuto's eyes snapped from his eyes to his lips and back again impossibly quick, Akaashi would have missed it if he wasn't doing the same to Bokuto's throat, sneaking glances at the droplets of rain that were sliding down into his uniform collar. 

Akaashi watched as Bokuto swallowed deeply and cleared his throat, taking a step closer to him, causing his shiny waterlogged shoes to bump against Bokuto's worn black sneakers that aren't technically allowed by the dress code.

Akaashi looked up from their juxtapositioned shoes and had to refrain from gasping when he found himself looking into golden eyes that burned right through him.

“Hey, hey, hey Akaashi,” Bokuto said quietly, in the softest tone Akaashi had ever heard him use.

“Hey, Bokuto-San,” he choked out, almost incomprehensible over the sound of his rapidly beating heart.

“I think I'm going to kiss you,” Bokuto whispered out, his breath fanning out across Akaashi’s face.

Akaashi couldn't help but laugh at the sweet wording that his best friend used, “I think I might just kiss you back.”

The mere centimeters that separated the pair immediately snapped closed, slamming lips together in a sloppy kiss that Akaashi couldn't get enough of.

Bokuto's hands found their way into Akaashi’s rain-soaked hair, and the younger wound his own arms around Bokuto's strong waist, clinging tight in case this kiss was the only one he ever got.

Their noses collided painfully and Bokuto backed away slightly, pouting at the rude interruption, “Ouch.”

Akaashi’s heart felt fuller than it had ever been before.

  
  


\---

  
  


**Akaashi had thought that his nightmares were things of the past.**

He thought they were over once he graduated college, once he spent most nights curled next to Bokuto and the never-ending warmth he exuded.

Akaashi was wrong.

Nowadays, he’s so drugged up that he can't even tell what’s a nightmare or what’s reality.

But what he does know, is that every time he thinks he sees a flash of silver hair, or feels like he can hear the boisterous call of ‘hey, hey, hey,’ his pulse races a little faster. 

He's sure of it, because he can hear the rapid beeping of his heart monitor.

\--

There was yelling. So much yelling. Screeches of never amounting to anything. 

Shrieks about failure and being useless, cries of stupidity and idiocy.

“You will never be enough.”

Akaashi just stood paralyzed in cloudy darkness. His eyes were pooling with tears and his breathing had stopped. All he could do was listen to the screams and agree with every single one.

“Akaashi! Akaashi, wake up!”

That voice was different. That voice was not a scream, it was a gentle whisper. It sounded warm and inviting, unlike the cold screeching that swirled around him in the darkness.

He felt himself being shaken, the darkness around him shifting away and letting in golden light that looked ethereal and so, so, warm.

“Kaashi?”

Akaashi’s eyes snapped open, grimacing at the sudden onslaught of light. He glanced around to get his bearings and realized he must've fallen asleep reading his textbook in bed, that's what he gets for choosing law, he supposed.

“Bokuto-san,” he asked as he threaded his hands through his blankets for his reading glasses, “what are you doing here?”

Bokuto scratched at the back of his neck guiltily, “Well, I knew you had exams coming up, and that you tend to forget to eat when you're studying so much, so uh… I brought you a cake.”

“You? Bokuto Koutarou, the man who only eats kale and protein shakes, brought me a cake?”

“First of all, those are not the only things I eat, I also enjoy muesli, and secondly, I know you really like cake, so I thought it might make studying a little more bearable."

Akaashi shoved his newly retrieved reading glasses onto his face in hopes of hiding his rapidly rising blush.

“I guess I can take a quick break for cake.”

Bokuto's smile was bright enough to make Akaashi forget about the darkness of his mind, it made him think that maybe, just maybe, if he was enough for Bokuto, he could be enough for himself. 

Bokuto pressed a brief kiss to his nose before getting up from where he was perched on the bed next to Akaashi.

“You look cute in your glasses, babe,” he accentuated with a wink.

Akaashi scoffed, thinking about the state of his bedhead, “Please, I probably look like a worn-down professor.”

“A sexy professor, Kaashi, a very sexy professor,” Bokuto said scandalously as he cocked his hip and posed goofily in the doorway of the bedroom.

“God,” Akaashi laughed out as he climbed out of bed to follow his boyfriend, “you're insufferable, let's just eat cake.”

“Mmmm, let’s.”

Akaashi leveled him with a stern glare, “No. No, we are not having sex tonight! I need to study and you have practice tomorrow!”

Bokuto just raised his hands in exasperation and surrender, “I wasn't insinuating anything!”

Akaashi glared at his boyfriend again as he grabbed cutlery from his kitchen for the cake that Bokuto left resting on the table.

“I wasn't!” Bokuto defended as he opened the small cake, “C’mon, let's just eat this, and then I can quiz you or something, I promise, I'll be good,” at his last statement he stuck out his pinky toward Akaashi as he sat down at the table, “pinky promise.”

Akaashi figured that the earnest look in Bokuto's eyes was real, and he did bring him a cake, so he just huffed out a breath and interlocked his little finger with Bokutos.

Thirty minutes later, cake finished and silverware left in the sink waiting to be cleaned, Akaashi straddled Bokuto in bed, stripping him down and basking in the warmth he provided.

Bokuto grunted as a textbook dug into his back, “Kaashi, I thought, oh fuck yes… ahhh…” he took a few deep breaths as Akaashi continued to worship his nipples with his tongue, “Kaashi, I… I thought I was supposed to help you...ahh, help you study.”

Akaashi didn't remove his mouth from Bokuto's skin while he glared daggers up at his silver-haired lover.

He slowly made his way down Bokuto's abdomen with his mouth, never taking his piercing eyes away from the other’s face.

When he reached the waistband of Bokuto's well-worn jeans, he breathed deeply before ghosting his lips over a hipbone, causing Bokuto to twitch.

“Koutarou, I swear to god if you make me think about anything school-related… actually, if you make me think about anything other than you fucking me senseless tonight, I will leave you with a hard-on and kick you out,” he said coldly, bringing his face up to Bokutos. 

“Ah…” Bokuto murmured eloquently, “I uh,” Akaashi leveled another questioning glare at him, “Okay okay, got it, no school, just sex, sounds awesome.”

“Good,” Akaashi stated as he dove in to kiss Bokuto once more.

Bokuto pulled back just before he got to his lips though, “One question though, Kaashi.”

Akaashi let out a disgruntled sigh, “What?”

“Can you wear the glasses?” Bokuto asked teasingly.

“Absolutely not.”

Akaashi ends up wearing the glasses, his dignity still remotely intact.

He thinks to himself while staring at them folded up on the bedside table, glinting dimly in the darkness, that maybe the yelling wouldn't visit him in his dreams tonight, because when he was wrapped in Bokuto's strong arms, he felt like enough.

For once in his life, he felt like enough.

  
  


\---

  
  


_**“I'm sorry Bokuto-San.”** _

“There's nothing left for you here. I have nothing left for you.”

Bokuto stands in front of Akaashi as if he never left.

Broad shoulders that Akaashi cried into when his family disowned him. The strong arms that had carried him all the way back to the car when he sprained his ankle on a hike in the mountains. The golden eyes that he still looks for when he wakes up in the morning, before remembering that he’ll never have the privilege of staring into them lovingly again.

Akaashi shivers as he hears thunder rumble loudly from outside.

Bokuto is dripping with water from head to toe, wearing exercise clothes, meaning he must have been on a jog before the torrential downpour led him to Akaashi’s apartment.

The rain must have reminded Bokuto of their first kiss. The one in Akaashi’s childhood home that he hasn't been back to since freshman year of university.

The kiss that set sparks in both of their hearts. The start of a fire that they pretended to fan out for so many years, before realizing that all they were doing was building a bonfire that could never be extinguished.

But Akaashi is trying so hard to quell the flames in his heart, for Bokutos sake.

Destroying love out of love. What a terrible joke of a life Akaashi is living.

The way water mats down Bokutos typically spiked up hair makes Akaashi think of late-night showers after sex. The thought makes his heart ache so much he almost spits out the truth right then and there.

The intimacy he only let himself have with Bokuto is gone. It wasn't so much the sex as the smiles and giggles they shared in bed while learning to love each other’s bodies.

But the smiles and giggles are not what he needs to remember. They don't need to be tainted by nights spent in hospital rooms together and drugged-up conversations over shitty cafeteria coffee.

So Akaashi destroys the hard love that they could have and slams the door in Bokuto's face, separating the beautiful past they had together from the impossible future that Akaashi will never let them have a chance at.

He sits in front of the door, his hand splayed on the cheap wood, imagining his silver-haired lover on the other side, silently crying with him.

The funny thing is, he didn't have to imagine.

\---

  
  


**“Nobody said it would be easy.”**

“I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I shouldn't be surprised,” Akaashi laughed at himself, devoid of emotion, through the tears that kept spilling from his eyes.

“Just because you knew it wouldn't be easy doesn't make it any less hard, Akaashi.” 

Akaashi shuddered again with a sob, hugging his lover impossibly closer, trying to squeeze out some of his level-headedness into himself.

“I knew it was going to be like this. I was prepared for it, I- It went exactly how I knew it would,” he took a deep breath, heaving his chest and wrapping his legs around Bokuto's strong back, “so why? Why does it hurt so much, Koutarou?”

“Because they're family Akaashi. Because they're supposed to love you regardless of anything. I'm so sorry,” he says, breaking out of the tight embrace to tilt Akaashi’s face towards his, “I’m so sorry Keiji.”

They held each other in Keiji’s college dorm room and cried.

Akaashi cried because his family didn't love him regardless, because even though he knew this was going to be the outcome, the cruel words and cold tone his parents used to disown him cut deep into his steeled heart.

Bokuto cried because he hated to see the love of his life hurt because his family didn't love him regardless.

He cried because he was scared of the world that hates them for their love, and he cried because maybe, just maybe if he wasn't so selfish, he could let Akaashi go and he could have his family back, but he's selfishly blinded by love, so he just held Akaashi tighter and cried for the boy he would never stop loving.

\---

  
  


**It's been said that friends of couples have to choose who to stick with after a breakup.**

Akaashi never had to think about who would stay by his side, because he had always planned for it to be Bokuto no matter what.

But now he is a dead man walking.

And even walking has become a hardship as his body begins to wither away as doctors pump countless chemicals into him that he can't even pronounce. 

This being said, Akaashi did break up with Bokuto. He wouldn't blame any of their friends if they chose the golden-eyed volleyball star over himself, he would choose Bokuto too.

But they don’t.

They all reach out to Akaashi, asking if he is okay, asking if he needs to talk.

And god, Akaashi is really anything but okay, but he turns down the opportunities to meet up with people because he knows what they will ask.

_Why?_

Akaashi can't possibly even begin to explain why he left the love of his life when everything was going perfectly. When everything was about to get better, because they were together, and every single day he spent with Bokuto was the best day of his life.

So he doesn't meet up with any of their old friends because he doesn't want to let it slip that he left Bokuto because he’s slowly dying, lest they tell the silver-haired beauty and he barges back into Keiji’s life just as it begins to slip away. 

He has a sinking feeling that no one will understand his decision. If he told people the truth they would berate him for it, and would eventually tell Bokuto because they felt like he deserved to know.

Akaashi isn’t stupid though. He knows all these things too. Of course Bokuto fucking deserves to know that the man he promised to marry one night watching a shitty rom-com, tipsy on red wine, is going to die.

But, as he mentioned before, Akaashi is selfish, and he wants to save himself the heartache of watching Bokuto wither with him before he dies.

Sometimes he talks to Suga and Daichi, but he isn't much of a conversationalist nowadays, as every breath he takes shreds through his throat like shards of glass. 

And honestly, seeing them together, their sheer togetherness, makes him feel like one of those half people that Plato philosophizes about.

He’s angry at himself for letting his friends, who are just trying to support him as he fades away, gets on his nerves because they reminded him of what he’s lost.

Of what he’s given up on.

\---

  
  


**Bokuto kissed Akaashi like a man unafraid of anything.**

Short pecks that left Akaashi ghosting his hand over his mouth, wishing the lips of his lover would come back and replace the phantom kiss he's reeling from with the real thing.

Every morning before he left at an ungodly hour for the gym, Bokuto kissed a barely awake Akaashi, the taste of coffee and Bokuto's spearmint toothpaste clashing together into a medley that Akaashi pretended to hate, but always chased the feeling of discordance in their mouths anyways, leaning happily into the lazy morning kisses.

Secret soft kisses they shared in the kitchen when they escaped together from the friends they were entertaining, if only for just a moment.

Surprise kisses which always set Akaashi off guard because he thought he was prepared for anything, but Bokuto Koutarou had always been an exception.

\--

“FUCK,” Akaashi yelped as he threw the green shampoo bottle he was using at the figure that was entering the shower he resided in.

“OW! AKAASHI!!!” whined a petulant Bokuto, “Why’da throw that at meeee?”

Akaashi righted himself from the feeble fighting stance he was in and stared, unamused, at his boyfriend.

“I thought you were a murderer, you're lucky it was the shampoo and not a razor.”

Bokuto laughed, his dimples catching rivulets of water in them as he stepped closer toward Akaashi and into the shower-stream, “I sure am lucky…”

For some reason, Akaashi got the notion that Bokuto meant something other than not getting hit with a razor. 

Maybe it was the wandering hands that slid up and down his back, or perhaps the lips that grazed his jawbone ever so softly.

“Is this why you snuck in here with me?” Akaashi asked as he brought his hands up to thread through Bokuto's two-toned locks, arching his back in pleasure when his lover's strong hands grabbed his ass.

He could feel Bokuto smile into his shoulder where he was planting kisses, “I was jogging in the area, and couldn't help but think of you. The fact that you just so happened to be in the shower was a definite bonus.”

“Or maybe you know that I always take a shower after I get up and that my alarm is set for seven, and it's what? Seven ten now?”

“Pure coincidence, I assure you,” Bokuto grinned devilishly at him as he crowded Akaashi against the cold wall and caged him with his strong arms, palms squeaking against the tile as he slowly slid down onto his knees.

“Somehow, I'm not convinced,” Akaashi feigned indifference, but his dick gave him away, twitching as Bokuto mouthed at his thighs.

Bokuto gave a cocky smile from in between his legs and Akaashi was done for, his skull colliding painfully with the wall as he threw his head back when Bokuto licked a stripe up his shaft.

“Okay,” Bokuto said, voice deep and rough with arousal, “Maybe this is the reason.”

Akaashi huffed out a laugh that faded into a deep moan as Bokuto took him fully into his mouth, “Fuck, Kou. Fuck.. yes.”

Akaashi brought his hands down to thread into Bokuto's matted down wet hair, relishing in its softness and warmth from the hot water.

Bokuto bobbed his head diligently, humming in approval at Akaashi’s praise. 

He’d blown Akaashi enough times to know exactly what he liked, flicking his tongue and using his hand at the base of his shaft when Akaashi was close. 

He had his raven-haired boyfriend struggling to stand up by himself in no time.

“Koutarou… Fuck, Kou. I'm gonna cum. FUCK!”

Bokuto nodded his head once more, catching some cum in his mouth before popping his lips off Akaashi’s dick to pump him through the orgasm with his hand, using his other arm to hold Akaashi’s up against the wall so he didn't slip and crumble to the ground. 

Akaashi blinked his eyes open in post-orgasmic bliss, looking down at Bokuto with a heaving chest just for his heart rate to pick up once again when he was greeted with the sight of his boyfriends cum covered face, the substance slowly dripping down his body into the drain as the shower rained above them. 

“Fuck,” was all he could manage as Bokuto rose to his full height from his knees.

“You said that already,” his silver-haired lover quipped gently as he grabbed the body wash from a shelf and began to lather it onto his chest.

Akaashi took a moment to gather himself before realizing, “You came without me touching you.”

Not a question, a statement.

Bokuto had given him that devilish smile again, not at all embarrassed at the fact he came practically untouched, only his own hand jerking himself sporadically between touching Akaashi.

“I've been thinking about you all morning. What can I say, Keiji, there's just something in the water.”

Akaashi scoffed at his terrible attempt at a joke and snatched the body wash out of his hands to use himself, “You're not funny.”

Bokuto giggled and squirted too much shampoo onto his palm, “I’m fucking hilarious, Kaashi, don’t you forget it,” he winked cheekily before closing his eyes so he could lather the shampoo in his hair.

Akaashi smiled to himself as they finished their shower together.

Clambering out and toweling off, Akaashi spied a pair of Bokuto's black briefs situated crumpled on at the doorway of the bathroom. He ventured out into his room to see Bokuto's running shorts flung on his bed, and then further out into the main room where he found a t-shirt unceremoniously hung on a lampshade, at the door of his apartment he saw shoes, socks, and the spare key he gave Bokuto dropped on the welcome mat.

Akaashi sighed, amazed at the crazed sex drive of his boyfriend “You're an animal.”

Bokuto blew a childish raspberry at him, “I didn't hear you complaining earlier.”

Akaashi blew a raspberry back, although the blush tinting his cheeks didn't help his case.

  
  


\---

  
  


**Akaashi bruises easier than ever.**

The needles that they stick into his veins always leave purple marks up and down his arms that make him feel more like a piece of dropped fruit than a human.

He never used to bruise, his knees were always pale and white compared to the rest of the volleyball team after a day of diving.

His skin used to be uninterrupted marble, but now it was scattered with evidence that he was human, that his body was dwindling away. A reminder that he would never be okay again.

Bokuto used to spend hours sucking and nibbling at the soft skin of his inner thighs to mark him with hickeys to remind him that they belonged to each other.

The bruises took forever to form, making Akaashi tremble from the suspense of when Bokuto finally, after ages, would mouth at his dick.

Bokuto liked to mark him up, liked to take his time and reduce Akaashi to a quivering mess of bruises and whines before giving him what he wanted.

The bruises from the needles Akaashi got in his hospital bed made him bitter because they made him think of the way Bokuto would smile at him from in between his legs, sexy and shy all at once.

It makes him think, for the thousandth time, of how alone he is, of how dim his hospital room is, and how he knows it would burn brighter than an inferno if he lets a certain golden-eyed boy just stay with him until the end.

Too bad he doesn't. Instead, he pinches his bruises painfully when he feels particularly lonesome and watches them darken and grow with glassy eyes.

\---

**Bokuto could not carry a tune to save his life.**

Akaashi still found it terribly endearing, how the boisterous man always sang along to songs on the radio anyway.

“I was made for lovin’ you babyyyyyy! You were made for lovin’ me!” 

Akaashi heard his boyfriend wail out of tune from the kitchen where he was cooking breakfast for them. 

They had woken up slowly together, legs tangled and smiles on their lips. It took them an unprecedented amount of time to climb out of bed, but once they did, Bokuto plopped Akaashi down on the couch with the book he was reading and told him to stay put while he made them eggs. 

Akaashi had sighed and told Bokuto he could help, but the couch and blanket he was bundled under were warm, and he didn't put up much of a fight when Bokuto yelled at him from the kitchen to just stay where he was. 

“And I can't get enough of you babyyy! Can you get enough of me?” 

Akaashi lips lifted at the corners when he heard Bokuto continue singing the American rock song in a terrible accent with no regard to their neighbors. 

He shrugged off the blanket that was cocooning him and padded to the threshold of the kitchen, standing silently as he watched Bokuto hover over the stove.

“Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do!” The silver-haired man hummed as he wiggled his hips and bounced around their small kitchen where he was cracking eggs into a frying pan.

Akaashi must have let out a small laugh because Bokuto's head perked up at the sound the small smile that had graced his face became an uncontainable grin. 

“Kaashi! Come dance with me!” the taller man laughed out as he began shimmying and spazzing off-beat to the song. 

“I thought you wanted me to stay still on the couch?” Akaashi quipped, but he started forward towards his lover despite his words. 

“Caught me,” Bokuto smiled, completely unabashed by Akaashis accusation, he pointed at his approaching lover with the spatula in a joking manner, “I missed your face.”

“So singing terribly and loudly was your solution?” Akaashi questioned dryly, as he stopped a foot in front of Bokuto's broad chest. 

“It worked, didn't it?” Bokuto responded, still wielding the spatula like a sword, as if he was challenging Akaashi to a duel. 

“Yeah,” Akaashi laughed out weakly, “I guess it did,” he said in defeat as he poked the spatula out of the way and let his arms wrap around Bokutos neck, squirming closely into the junction of his collarbones when the song began to fade out into the next one. 

The slow strumming of a guitar filled the room and Bokuto wrapped his arm without the spatula in hand around Akaashi’s waist, hugging him close and swaying them together. 

The song was another American one, Akaashi didn't listen to them that often, but Bokuto had a love for them. This one was slow and had a crooning lead singer with a whiny sort of voice. Akaashi thought it was nice.

The way Bokuto’s strong body swayed slowly with him in his arms and how he lowered the heat on the stove and put the spatula down to wrap both his arms around Akaashi’s hips made the raven-haired man smile softly into his lover's chest. 

Bokuto started to hum along with the lyrics, surprisingly in tune for someone who always put on a show about being off-key. 

The taller man pressed his forehead against the side of Akaashi’s head, singing the next few lines of the song softly, “Maybe I'm-a Crazy, but I just can't live without your lovin’ and affection.” 

Akaashi took in a deep breath, letting his lungs fill with the scent of Bokuto, the man's woodsy deodorant, lingering tones of their shared laundry detergent, a hint of Akaashi’s citrus shampoo.

Akaashi burrowed his nose deeper into the junction of Bokuto's neck and tightened his grip around the other man, vowing to never let go. 

\--

Then again, maybe Akaashi never learned how to keep a promise to himself, either.

  
  


\---

  
  


**Bokuto's smile was like sunshine.**

Akaashi blinked slowly out of his dreamlike thoughts, internally surprised at himself for being so terribly cliche and cheesy, but he truly couldn't find a better way to describe the smile of the boy that sat next to him in bed.

Bokuto's shirtless torso was twisted toward the window, legs tangled in the sheets, his hair poking out in every direction that shouldn't be as endearing as it was.

His golden eyes, still a little glossy from sleep, were focused intently on the woodpecker that resided in a tree across the street from Akaashi’s apartment.

Bokuto's eyes widened as the bird took flight into the unknown, and he slowly turned his bright smile toward an unsuspecting Akaashi. The raven-haired boy had to catch his breath a little, affronted by the palpitations occurring in his chest, his heart threatening to break out of his flimsy rib-cage and fly all over the room.

There were no lights on, the window only letting in a cold grey light back washed by a rainy morning, but Akaashi couldn't remember a time that his room had ever been so vibrant.

“Hey,” Bokuto said, uncharacteristically quiet, “You're awake.”

Akaashi rose his head from the pillow he was crumpled on and propped himself up on his elbow to look into his partner’s eyes, “Yeah,” he practically whispered out, “Good morning, Bokuto.”

He was blinded again as Bokuto's smile widened and his golden eyes glimmered as he leaned closer into Akaashi’s personal space.

“Good morning, Keiji,” was all he murmured before he closed the final few centimeters that were separating their lips, falling into the kiss at the last second, but caught ever so gently by Akaashi’s anticipating mouth.

Akaashi discreetly breathed in Bokuto's scent as he wrapped his hands around his partner’s muscled back, something woodsy and fresh rushed his senses and sent sparks up his spine.

He shivered as Bokuto slowly rolled on top of him, moving his strong hands from where he clutched the sheets into black hair, carding his fingers through it ever so gently as he deepened the lazy kiss.

\---

  
  


**His death does not surprise him.**

The day the doctors come in and tell him there are no more trials, clinical studies, or experiments for him to try, is a day he knew was coming.

He smiles and thanks them for trying everything they could, because he truly is thankful that they fought for him and with him.

But Akaashi knows his body is no longer willing to fight itself so vehemently.

It’s time to give up.

But in the back of his mind, Akaashi hears Bokuto saying something so beautifully Bokuto that only he could make it sound so uplifting and perfect instead of horrible.

“It's not so much as giving up rather than giving in. And sometimes we need to let things in so that we become fuller... less empty.” 

Akaashi lets himself cry a little as he thinks of his silver-haired, golden-eyed best friend and lover, the one person that filled him up so entirely.

He lets himself cry as he gives up against the darkness that consumes him, and he gives in.

He closes his eyes and thinks of looking into golden ones when he wakes up.

\---

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Sorry for the sad ending, I just love making myself SOB ig. 
> 
> Leave a kudos or cry with me in the comments if u enjoyed :)


End file.
